I went into a store and saw this today, when I showed it to my husband and told him I was buying it for him to hang over our bed and he got that look on his face that he gets whenever he is exceptionally happy or proud of me. He ended up paying for it anyway so I am not sure who got it for who. Maybe we got it for each other.
I didn't blog that much in 2012. I had a lot to say but did not really want to put every little detail of my life on here for everyone to know, it still irks me to wonder who is reading my blog and my innermost thoughts.
The beginning of 2012 I fell in love. This love consumed me for a better part of the year to the degree that I felt like I didn't need anyone else in my life. I prayed and waited for the moment when I would be his wife. I gave up my own self respect and self worth almost in the quest for our marriage. This man was forever sending me flowers and gifts and he even made a website for me. If someone goes to that much trouble they must surely love you. Right?
Right??
Wrong. It was never real. And I should have known better. You know sometimes when you want something SO badly you can force yourself to believe something that it is not. You believe the lies and swallow the poison, believing that it will make you better.
It only leads to your destruction.
So 2012 taught me a lot in this regard. I learnt to never compromise who I am for the sake of someone else. And I learnt that sometimes true love is not actually what you think it is at all.
My husband now doesn't buy me flowers, he certainly doesn't write me love letters or buy me jewelry. He wouldn't ever think of bringing me breakfast in bed or telling me how beautiful I am.
However after working fourteen hours he will drive well out of his way to get me a coke zero because he knows how much I love it (even though he loathes me drinking it) he missed an important work meeting so he could sit next to me at the dentist when I got my teeth cleaned because he knows dentists freak me out, he will get up with pudding no matter how exhausted he is, when I have had an awful day with the kids he will take me to the McDonalds or whatever is open at 10 pm! Buy me french fries and a drink and tell me jokes to make me laugh.
And this is real love.
It is not perfect by any means. We fight and I cry. We disagree on a lot and life is not perfect but it is real.
Alhamdulliah for the bad times too, they help me get over my paralysing fears of being left again. I have big time issues..... But the more we fight almost the more I get it that he is not going anywhere. We are in it for life.
And so for better or worse this really is love.....
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LOVE, how difficult it is to define this word. I thought I had found Love, till I realized I gave more than I received, I gave everything but I forgot myself in it too.
ReplyDeleteLOVE, I see it every day in the words of my friends, in the hands that reach out to help me. LOVE has many faces but no one should use someone else love for their own fantaisies. LOVE means also respect.
Happy you found it dear, you deserve to be loved for who you are. Never compromise yourself again for somebody who is not able to see the precious pearl he has in his life.
xx
I think my dearest that we just can not define this word. What I thought was the biggest love of my life turned out to be just an illusion. So much of this life is though. I think we too often begin to search for love in the creation rather than the creator and that is where all the troubles begin. I know that's true for me anyway.
ReplyDeleteJust watch as your little one is born and your heart is flooded with so much love that you think it will burst. God never takes one thing without replacing it with something even better.
Lots of LOVE my sweet Marie xxxx
As salaamu alaykum Bonnie my bonbon!
ReplyDeleteIt is when we look back at our painful experiences and lessons learned, that we see what Allah had to teach us to really appreciate what He sends next. Happy, grateful,overjoyed - not even the sum of those words describes my feeling about what Allah has sent you. But truly, love is something we have to learn to both see and appreciate - from others and even more so from our Creator. Alhamdul'Illah; may Allah bless your family and guide you to success in this life and the next - aameen!
Walikum Salam my dear friend
DeleteAlhamdulillah I am so happy you stopped by!I think December was a good month for both of us! You with your sweet new baby and me with my new (but old marriage)Allah is ever so merciful and good, I should be on my knees for most of the day thanking Allah for all he has brought me.
xxx
Masha'Allah Bonnie,this is a really great post, not only because I am very happy that you've found something real and true, but also because Allah has allowed you to learn from your difficulties and indeed after hardship there is ease, but if we expect fairytales in life then we will never be happy.
ReplyDeleteMay Allah keep you and your husband together always and bless your family with all that is good and may Allah give us all the insight to see the truth in life, wherever that may be!
Stay well always ;-)
JazakAllah khair for your love dua'a. It really means so much.
DeleteI think fairytales only belong in books but for sooooo many women these days they expect it to be the reality. I told my husband yesterday that flowers die but the small things he does for me will remain in my heart forever.
I sincerely hope we get to meet one day insha'Allah!
xxx
Words of wisdom and reality. I like how positive you always are and how much you have learned from a mistake. That's how we should always be. A mistake is a blessing when we learn from it. Reading your words fill my heart with happiness. Take care, Bonnie. Much love and hugs.
ReplyDeleteAsni
Asni, I haven't heard from you in so long! I miss reading your blog, insha'Allah you will come back to writing more.
DeleteI have made SO many mistakes and I guess that's why I learn so much ;)
Big hugs my sweet sister
xxx
...made me smile.
ReplyDeleteillusions are everywhere. Reality isn't always pretty.
Glad to see the notes :)
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww LIL SIS
ReplyDeleteThat is so sweet...and reassuring for me that you are happy Alhomdolelah.
You know men from this background/culture find it hard to overly display their love....treasure the little moments reflect on them in times of doubt.
As we both keep relaying back to eacjother time and time again Allh gives us tests, and whatever he takes away He compensates with better.
Oh ladies these comments were so powerful mashAllah
I am so glad we met lil sis K xxxx