Wednesday, 1 May 2013

My thoughts on love

I have been in love exactly three times in my life. Maybe that's too many I don't know. Some people believe you only have one great love of your life and who am I to tell them they are wrong. Different people have different thoughts on love. But I do believe each person is sent to teach you a different lesson in life.

My first love was my first husband, I was young and impressionable and he was Turkish and taught me to cook. I so wanted a fairy tale ending He was like me in many ways, he loved food and fashion and Singstar. I wanted the big white wedding (which I got), I wanted picnics in the park and Sundays spent at church and lots of babies and most of all I wanted him to complete me. Seriously my identity was in him and when it ended I had a complete mental breakdown. He taught me though in the end that no man can ever complete you. You can never, ever give the place in your heart that is only reserved for Allah and expect to remain whole. And alhamdulillah the end of our marriage is what brought me to Islam.

The second man I fell in love with was someone I will just name by M. M was incredibly kind and generous to me and I believe Allah sent him to me in a time where I badly needed someone who was as kind to me as he was. He understood me like no one else in this world ever has or possibly will and for months I was almost in a rage at us not working out I one day found a quote that I felt summed up why I met him in the first place.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? No. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to God.

― Elizabeth GilbertEat, Pray, Love

I love the part where it says break your heart so new light can get in. Just before I even agreed to marry my husband and I had packed my house and the whole Singapore thing had fallen through and I had no idea what I was going to do at all. I was on the bus and a song came on with the lyrics.

"Maybe it's about the timeTo let all of the love back in the lightMaybe it's about the perfect placeTo let go and forget about the hate"

And then I just knew it was time. It was time to forgive my son's father and give him another chance. We had both hurt each other incredibly but nearly two years had passed and I knew he could give both me and my kids a better life. If you have read my blog for a long time you know the kind of things that went down those years ago. And maybe we are not at a place of complete forgiveness we are working in it. Good things always take time.

So of course my third love is my husband now. Our love is not an easy love, it is not based on a fairy tale wedding or love at first sight. We are from two very different cultures and our lifestyle and religious beliefs actually differ quite a lot ( I would consider myself on the sufi side of things almost) and every single day we have to work really hard at it. But it benefits us both the type of sacrifices we both have to make because every day it forces me to think of the akhirah (hereafter) and not just the joys in this dunya (life). Maybe it is not from a romance novel of ANY kind and women would certainly not weep over my own love story but in the end it brings me closer to Allah and in truth that is what it is all about.

I found a poem today and thought I would share. I actually wish I had this when I was a teenager.

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn…

1 comment:

  1. As-salaamu alaykum Bonnie

    This post is so great, masha'Allah, it rings true with me and I love it because it is so real. It speaks about real love and real life and that is what people of today are lacking, we are constantly being bombarded with fairytale love and the "you complete me" nonsense makes us continue to search for someone to fill our lives, yet as you mention it is only love for Allah Almighty which can fill our lives.

    "You can never, ever give the place in your heart that is only reserved for Allah and expect to remain whole." Honestly love these words, it is so true.

    And the poem at the end just ends it off on such a sweet note, yes we all have to learn these things, the hard things in life is what makes us stronger, the hard things in life is what brings us closer to Allah, ultimately completing us. Another human being can never play that role and indeed this is why Allah in all Allah's wisdom has given us hardships, because without the difficulties how would we learn to love Allah and then how would we ever be complete!

    Thank you so much for openly sharing these thoughts with us, may Allah reward you and give you only what is true and real.

    Stay in Peace always